Deep Rock Galactic: LAN Party Chaos
DEEP ROCK GALACTIC: A DWARF’S TALE
Chapter 1: Initial Mod and Lobby Chaos
The hum of multiple computers filled the dimly lit room, a cacophony of cooling fans and excited whispers. On eight separate screens, the familiar loading screen of Deep Rock Galactic beckoned—promising adventure, riches, and the inevitable horrors of Hoxxes IV. Outside the digital world of space dwarves and alien monsters, reality was much simpler: a collection of friends trying to connect to a game that stubbornly resisted their efforts.
“Alright, let’s do this,” DickNixon declared, his fingers hovering over the mouse like a conductor preparing for a symphony that refused to begin.
The group had been attempting this ritual for what felt like hours. Each attempt to launch their modded server ended in frustration, culminating in the dreaded drop pod door slamming shut in their virtual faces.
“Did it close again?” DickNixon groaned, leaning back in his chair with a sigh.
“The doing may be slower than expected,” Mitchapalooza added, his voice laced with sarcasm that could’ve cut through the densest Hoxxes IV rock. “Yet another game that does not let me play with my friends.”
“Too many friends,” Jeralgrin chimed in, taking a sip of his drink. “Too much rock, too many stones.”
As if on cue, the server browser once again betrayed them, showing eight players in the lobby before the system inevitably crashed back to the main menu.
DickNixon pounded the desk in mock frustration. “It’s like the game knows we’re having too much fun and wants to protect us from ourselves.”
Jersh leaned forward, his eyes wide with confusion. “What’s crazy? We never had this issue.”
Chazx nodded in agreement. “Yeah. Oh, shit.”
The technical troubleshooting session continued, with each player offering suggestions that sounded like technical jargon but were essentially educated guesses. They tinkered with server settings, mod configurations, and lobby sizes like engineers attempting to defuse a bomb while blindfolded.
“DRG breaks with more than seven players holding a commission at the same time,” Lil Baggins explained, his voice the calm center of their technological storm.
Jersh’s eyes darted between his screen and the ceiling. “What?”
DaKevinbacon leaned closer to his monitor. “What is this room?” he asked as if the answer might appear in the virtual architecture of the Space Rig.
As if by some divine intervention—or perhaps just random chance—they finally seemed to have stumbled upon the solution. The lobby stabilized with seven players, a precarious balance that felt like walking a tightrope over a pit of lava.
“I was like, there was enough room to fit that many on the screen,” Mitchapalooza said, disbelief coloring his words. “We fooled the game. That’s all it took.”
Jeralgrin raised his glass in a toast to their victory. “Rockin’ Stone!”
The drop pod doors finally slid open, their mechanical whirring echoing through the virtual cave system. The dwarven avatars tumbled out into the unfamiliar landscape of Hoxxes IV, each landing with varying degrees of grace.
“Oh, God, what’s happening?” Jersh yelped as his character momentarily phased through the floor before reappearing. “It’s acting like I’m playing.”
“Is this a Gunk seed?” DaKevinbacon asked, his character spinning in circles as he attempted to orient himself.
The initial confusion gave way to a mix of excitement and bewilderment. Their first mission objectives appeared—collecting gunk seeds and connecting pipelines. The task sounded straightforward enough, but in the alien darkness of Hoxxes IV, even simple objectives became complicated.
“Collect gunk seeds, connect pipelines,” Jersh read off his screen, then turned to his friends with a shrug. “What’s up, man?”
DickNixon pointed toward a cluster of blue crystals on the cave wall. “Yeah, I think that’s our secondary objective.”
Chazx spotted another cluster nearby. “Yeah. Oh, shit.”
Mitchapalooza approached one cautiously, his character’s mining tool hovering uncertainly. “Where am I supposed to put this thing?”
As the team began their work, the reality of their situation set in. They were a collection of dwarven miners with varying degrees of experience, attempting a coordinated operation in a hostile environment while simultaneously learning the game’s mechanics.
“Video game that actually uses my petroleum engineering skills,” DickNixon remarked with professional pride. “Let’s go.”
“Well, I can,” Redphantom chimed in, raising his drill tool. “I’m a driller.”
DaKevinbacon looked on with envy. “Oh yeah, can we drill through the terrain?”
Jersh’s response was drowned out by a sudden swarm of small alien creatures emerging from the darkness. The first real test of their abilities had arrived.
“Everyone get in the shit!” DaKevinbacon yelled, already firing his weapon.
As the first skirmish began, DickNixon realized they had much to learn about this alien world, their weapons, and each other. But despite the chaos, confusion, and technical hurdles, they were finally here—together in the depths of Hoxxes IV.
“Rock and Stone!” he yelled, raising his pickaxe as the first hostile creature lunged toward his position.
The battle had begun, and so had their adventure. To be continued…
Next: The friends will face their first real combat challenge as they attempt to collect resources while fending off alien creatures, all while continuing to puzzle out the game’s mechanics.
Chapter 2: Into the Black
The drop pod slammed into the alien soil with a teeth-rattling thud, kicking up clouds of bioluminescent dust that shimmered like scattered starlight. Outside the reinforced viewport, the cave system stretched endlessly—a labyrinth of crystalline formations and pulsating fungal growths that cast an eerie violet glow across the rocky terrain. Lil Baggins wiped condensation from his visor as the ramp descended, revealing the hostile beauty of Hoxxes IV.
“All right, listen up, you filthy beardlings!” Lil Baggins announced, his voice cutting through the static of comms. “We’ve got three gunk seeds to collect and a pipeline to build. The sooner we get this operational, the sooner we can get rich and leave this rock.” He scanned the cave entrance with practiced eyes. “What is this mode?”
DickNixon joined him at the edge of the ramp, his mining helmet casting a harsh white beam into the darkness. “Do you have to build it?”
“Looks that way,” Grizzlenizzle chimed in from behind them. “Holding control activates a laser for marking locations, and left-click confirms. Remember, F is your flare.”
A chorus of acknowledgments followed as the team fanned out into the cavern. Jersh marveled at the alien architecture, his gaze drifting upward toward stalactites that dripped with some viscous, glowing substance. The air hummed with energy, and distant skittering sounds beyond their headlamps’ range set his nerves on edge.
“I feel like we’re being watched,” Mitchapalooza whispered, nervously sweeping his weapon back and forth.
“Paranoia is the best seasoning on this planet,” Jeralgrin chuckled. “Where are they? Where them baddies at?”
As if on cue, a low rumble echoed through the tunnels. Three massive, insectoid creatures emerged from a side passage, their multiple eyes reflecting the team’s headlamps like tiny red stars. Their armored exoskeletons clicked with each movement, and a foul-smelling vapor wafted from their mandibles.
“Storm’s coming for me,” Redphantom announced, his voice tight with fear.
“He’s right; I can feel it too,” Jersh echoed, already backing away.
“Oh no, not the grind,” Char muttered as the creatures advanced.
“Got it,” Jersh replied, his mining tool whirring to life as he prepared to defend himself.
DickNixon watched one of the bugs rear up, preparing to charge. “It says it’s connected,” he noted absently, more focused on the immediate threat than the mission objective.
Chazx shook his head. “We haven’t built the pipe yet.”
Lil Baggins raised his weapon, taking aim. “Oh.”
DaKevinbacon grinned behind his helmet. “Oh, yeah! You’ve got to approach each pipe and hold E to activate it. Grind that shit!”
The first moments of combat were pure chaos. Lasers sizzled through the air, illuminating the cavern in brief flashes of blue and red. One of the larger bugs let out a piercing shriek and charged straight at Mitchapalooza, who barely managed to dodge its path.
“Whoa, that thing almost got me!” Mitchapalooza gasped, scrambling to his feet.
“Woah!” DickNixon exclaimed as another bug charged him, its massive form blocking his view.
DaKevinbacon laughed. “360 no scope! Oh, big boy! He’s got a big flaming butt!”
The battle was won as quickly as it began, the alien creatures dissolving into piles of green biomass that their mining tools eagerly collected. Redphantom wiped alien goo from his visor while Jersh checked his ammo count.
“Okay,” Jersh said, catching his breath. “We need to locate the remaining two seeds.”
As they ventured deeper into the cave system, the environment grew more treacherous. Narrow passages wound through the rock, occasionally opening into vast chambers filled with towering crystal formations. The bioluminescent flora provided an eerie glow, casting long shadows that seemed to writhe and shift with movement.
Jeralgrin stopped abruptly, nearly bumping into Mitchapalooza ahead of him. “Is there friendly fire?”
Char paused mid-stride, his weapon raised. “I think so.”
“I believe there is,” DickNixon confirmed, lowering his aim slightly.
Redphantom added. “Seems likely.”
Char sighed. “Oh, it is.”
Lil Baggins nodded grimly. “It’ll certainly be punished.”
As they rounded a bend, something caught Jersh’s eye. “Wait—look at this.” He gestured toward a cluster of crystalline formations that pulsed with deep crimson light. “There’s red over there.”
DickNixon stopped beside him. “There it is.”
Jeralgrin moved closer. “Red crystals, definitely.”
Grizzlenizzle approached cautiously. “That’s red alright.”
Char examined the formation closely. “Yeah, that’s it.”
Mitchapalooza knelt beside the crystals, reaching out with a gloved hand. “Uh, does this heal you?”
Jersh nodded. “Yes, but they’re sugar-coated with red.”
“Red sugar,” DickNixon confirmed, already collecting samples.
“Yeah,” Jeralgrin agreed. “It looks freshly formed.”
Grizzlenizzle took a bite of the crystal-like formation. “Red sugar.”
DickNixon mimicked the action. “Red sugar.”
Their discovery was interrupted by a sudden cave-in ahead, blocking their path forward.
“Looks like we’re heading the wrong direction,” Char observed, already turning around.
“I’m lost,” Jersh admitted, scanning the darkness with his helmet light.
“Left control activates—” Chazx began.
“Left control is the—” Redphantom echoed.
“Let’s get moving,” Mitchapalooza finished, already heading toward the blocked passage.
“It’ll be in the lower tunnel,” Lil Baggins said, leading the way back. “There’s a section down there.”
Grizzlenizzle followed. “That lower section is our best bet.”
As they backtracked, Jeralgrin suddenly felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. “Ow! What was that?” He spun around to see a small, armored creature rolling away.
Jersh spotted it too. “Looks like some kind of pet bug.”
Chazx moved to examine the creature more closely. “Oh, that’s definitely a pet.”
Char frowned as the creature dissolved under his weapon beam. “That was a pet. We just incinerated it.”
Jeralgrin sighed. “It really should be clearer who’s a pet.”
Redphantom lowered his weapon. “Oh, was he friendly?”
The confusion mounted as they pressed onward. Eventually, they found the second gunk seed, but constructing the pipeline proved more challenging than expected. The team’s attempts at coordination devolved into chaos as each dwarf had a different idea about the best approach.
“Just build a straight tunnel directly to it from the pump,” Lil Baggins suggested, his voice laced with impatience.
But Jeralgrin had already begun drilling in another direction. “Follow me! See me! See what I’m doing!”
“Where are we going to set up?” DickNixon asked, standing amidst the confusion.
“I’m lost here,” Char muttered, already lost in the tunnel system.
The construction became a comedy of errors as tunnels crisscrossed and overlapped, creating a maze even more confusing than the natural cave system. Chazx shook his head in frustration. “I think we’re complicating things.”
Their struggles attracted attention. First one, then more of the alien bugs began appearing at the tunnel entrances, their clicking mandibles creating a rhythm of impending doom.
“Oh, God! It grabbed me!” DickNixon cried out as one of the larger bugs grabbed him by the torso.
“Save me!” Jersh screamed, caught in a similar predicament.
“Oh no, who’s down?” Grizzlenizzle yelled, already rushing to assist.
Char took aim at the creatures holding his teammates. “They’re weak to being burned alive!”
The team fought valiantly, their mining tools now doubling as weapons as they burned away the chitinous armor of their captors. The cave echoed with shouts and the sizzle of hot metal against alien flesh.
“We’ve been burned alive,” Jersh noted dryly as one of his attackers dissolved into vapor.
“That is correct,” Char agreed.
As the last bug fell, the team regrouped, bruised and battered but triumphant. With their pipeline construction finally complete, they gathered at the central pump as the mission counter reached one hundred percent.
“We’re at 100%! Alright, can we go now?” Redphantom asked, already heading for the extraction point.
“Drop five, baby,” Grizzlenizzle announced, hitting the extraction button.
“Time to drop,” Jersh added, following suit.
DickNixon took position at the edge of the platform, weapon ready. “This is where I shine.”
As the extraction pod descended from above, the team prepared to depart the alien depths. But as the pod door opened, more bugs swarmed toward their position, their multiple eyes gleaming with predatory intent.
“Looks like we’re not done yet,” Lil Baggins muttered, raising his weapon once more. “Rock and Stone!”
Chapter 3: Trial by Fire
The bioluminescent fungi of Hoxxes IV cast an eerie purple glow across the cavern walls as the dwarf miners descended deeper into the earth. The rhythmic thump of their mining boots echoed against the stone, a heartbeat to the alien symphony of distant scuttles and dripping water. For a brief moment, peace reigned—then came the crackle of emergency comms.
“Oh, no,” Lil Baggins’s voice cut through the relative silence, his usual confidence replaced by urgency.
“Who’s down?” Jersh responded, scanning their surroundings with wide eyes.
“Who’s injured?” DickNixon called out, already shouldering his weapon.
“It’s Will,” Lil Baggins confirmed after a moment, spotting the fallen dwarf across a narrow chasm. “Again.”
“Again!” Jersh echoed, frustration coloring his voice. “Blast.”
“Shit,” Char muttered from near the wall, joining the chorus of dismay.
Mitchapalooza, ever optimistic in the face of disaster, tried to rally the troops. “How do we reach him?”
“Reaching him is the priority,” Jersh agreed, already moving toward Will despite the danger.
As they drew closer, Will lay crumpled near a strange pulsating crystalline formation that hummed with unnatural energy. The cave itself seemed to react to their presence, the walls shimmering as if alive.
“Large creature! Heads up!” Char suddenly shouted, pointing his weapon at the ceiling.
The miners froze as a massive creature dropped from the darkness, its carapace glistening under their headlamps. It was twice the size of any bug they’d encountered so far, mandibles clicking with predatory intent.
“I’ve got you covered, Stone Brother,” Mitchapalooza declared, his voice wavering slightly as he raised his weapon.
“Rock and stone, brother!” Jersh responded, firing a desperate shot at the creature’s underbelly.
The beast shrieked, shaking the cave walls as it advanced. Lil Baggins quickly assessed the situation, issuing orders. “Focus fire on its legs! Mitch, get Will!”
But the mission timer blinked into existence on their HUDs – a cruel reminder of their priorities.
“Extraction in two and a half minutes,” Redphantom announced over comms, his voice tinny and distant.
Grizzlenizzle tapped his own screen. “It’s at the bottom-center of your display!”
“Good grief,” Jersh muttered, calculating their remaining time against the distance to the extraction point and their downed teammate. “Two and a half minutes.”
Meanwhile, the creature lunged, forcing them into a defensive formation. “Oh, boy,” DickNixon sighed, anticipating a difficult fight.
“I’m out of ammo,” Jeralgrin called out, his voice tight with panic as he frantically searched his pack for more cartridges.
“This is bad!” Jeralgrin continued, realizing the severity of his situation.
“Where’s the medkit?” Mitchapalooza asked, trying to help Will while avoiding the creature’s attacks.
“More are coming,” DickNixon warned, spotting movement in the darkened tunnels.
“By the ancestors!” DaKevinbacon exclaimed, his attention split between immediate danger and the extraction timer. “No! Oh God!”
The cave seemed to come alive around them as more creatures emerged from the shadows, drawn by the commotion. Lil Baggins attempted to establish a defensive perimeter. “This way! No, not over there!”
But it was too late; the swarm overwhelmed them.
“Get in the boat! Get in the boat!” Chazx’s voice crackled through comms, using their slang for the extraction vehicle.
“Get to the chopper!” Grizzlenizzle echoed, firing wildly into the advancing horde.
“Behind us! They came from above!” DaKevinbacon shouted, spotting creatures descending onto their position.
Jersh’s composure had shattered completely. “I have no idea what I’m doing!” he yelled, tripping over a rock as he retreated toward the extraction point.
“What will happen?” DickNixon wondered aloud, firing his last rounds before switching to his axe.
“I’m not ready for this!” DaKevinbacon cried, swinging his pickaxe with desperate fury as creatures closed in.
Amidst the chaos, Mitchapalooza secured Will’s unconscious form and dragged him toward the extraction point. “I can’t even think straight!” he muttered to himself.
With thirty seconds remaining and the pod doors beginning to close, they made a final push for safety, weapons blazing and abilities activating.
“Ignite!” Jersh called out as he unleashed his ability, a wave of fire washing over several enemies.
“Rocketstone!” DickNixon responded, detonating a small explosive charge.
“Get to the pod! Everyone in the pod!” Mitchapalooza yelled, practically throwing Will into the vehicle as the doors slid shut.
As the last dwarf scrambled aboard and it lifted away, they saw the horde converging on their previous position—a sea of clicking mandibles and snapping jaws. Silence descended for a moment—then cheers erupted.
“We did it!” Jersh exclaimed, breathless with relief.
“Yeah, we did!” Grizzlenizzle added, pumping his pickaxe in the air.
“That was utter chaos,” DickNixon observed, shaking his head with awe and disbelief.
Complete. The words glowed on their mission screen—a testament to their first successful descent into Hoxxes IV.
“I think we need to crank up the enemy count or difficulty,” Grizzlenizzle suggested, already planning their next adventure. “That was far too easy.”
“Alright, I want a new class,” DickNixon declared, looking at the character select screen. “I’m going driller this time.”
“Engineer and Thriller,” Lil Baggins offered, implying those were the only viable choices.
“Say, should we go grab a beer?” DickNixon suddenly asked, adrenaline still coursing through him.
“Should we grab a beer?” Char repeated, already imagining an imaginary beverage.
As they discussed their next mission, the conversation shifted unexpectedly from mining strategies to cultural commentary.
“I overheard a guy talking about that boot in the Asian district at the meeting,” Jersh began, changing topics abruptly. “He said you can’t put a giant boot there because it means the wrong thing in the Asian district.””
“Listen, back in history, put up a giant boot,” Chazx responded with mock authority.
“But it also had a boot and a cactus,” Jeralgrin pointed out, further complicating the matter.
The debate continued as the extraction pod carried them back to Deep Rock Galactic space station—their first mission complete but already forgotten in favor of planning their next descent into the darkness. With upgraded gear and hardened resolve, the dwarf miners prepared to face even greater challenges—armed with better weapons, questionable cultural symbolism, and hopefully, cold beer. After all, what’s more important than completing missions and debating offensive sculptures? Rock and stone, indeed. To be continued…
Chapter 4: Tangents & Team Dynamics - Route 66 & Beyond
The glow of multiple monitors cast a warm, digital haze across the living room as the seven dwarven space miners settled in for another descent into Hoxxes IV. Outside, the real world faded into a blur of pizza boxes and empty energy drink cans, but here, on this planet of infinite caves and infinite riches, they were kings of their domain—well, kings in training. Mostly.
“I mean, why not imagine a dragon with a cowboy hat? Come on,” Jeralgrin mused, swirling his drink in a glass that had seen better days.
“Love that,” Lil Baggins replied without looking up from his controller, already mentally mapping out the most efficient mineral extraction routes.
Jersh leaned back in his chair, a theatrical sigh escaping his lips. “It makes no sense.”
The group had been trying to start their Deep Rock Galactic session for nearly twenty minutes now, but the technical hurdles had proven as formidable as the alien creatures awaiting them below. Between server connection issues, mod installations, and general confusion, their descent into the caves kept getting delayed by… well, themselves.
“My sister went over to one of those Eastern Bloc countries and there’s like a symbolized like freedom,” DickNixon shared, his voice suddenly serious as he leaned into his microphone.
“She found that Route 66 is widely celebrated there, embodying freedom,” DickNixon continued, undeterred by the interruption.
“I actually have a story about Route 66,” Char added, a beat too late.
“The Czech Republic even holds an annual festival dedicated to Route 66,” Jersh contributed, his eyes lighting up with the sudden cultural revelation. “It’s strange—the best app for that route is made by someone from there.”
As this bizarre conversation about American highway culture in Eastern Europe unfolded, Chazx’s controller clattered onto his desk. “I crashed,” he announced, his voice tinged with frustration.
“No connection here either,” Lil Baggins chimed in, echoing the technical woes.
Jersh’s mind seemed to always find the most chaotic path forward. “What if he’s eliminated within seconds?” he wondered, already preparing for the worst-case scenario in a mission that hadn’t even started yet.
“Would that raise the difficulty?” DickNixon asked, his practical side kicking in amidst the absurdity.
The conversation spiraled from there—White House tours, political controversies, and personal anecdotes that had absolutely nothing to do with mining alien minerals. They were a team of dwarven space adventurers, yet they spent more time discussing presidential politics and Czech road trips than they did discussing their drilling strategies.
“Perhaps we overdid it,” Chazx finally conceded as their seventh attempt at launching a game ended with seven simultaneous deaths. “The last run was surprisingly simple, though.”
“We’re awaiting revives,” Jersh noted from the floor of the digital cave, his dwarf character flat on his virtual back.
“A Mercy ult would be perfect right now,” DickNixon added, mixing gaming universes with a casualness that would make any developer proud.
“Flame on!” Jersh shouted as he finally respawned, his Driller class character bursting into flames—likely from an accidental self-ignite rather than any tactical decision.
“Is friendly fire active?” Mitchapalooza asked, already suspecting the answer as he watched another teammate fall to a stray bullet.
“I’m curious how much damage we’ve inflicted on each other,” DickNixon observed dryly.
“I’m wondering just how much damage we’ve done collectively,” Jersh echoed.
“That’s a good question – I wonder how much damage he’s done with all these inquiries,” Lil Baggins agreed, creating a trifecta of shared concern.
“I’m wondering how much damage he’s caused by asking all those questions,” Grizzlenizzle countered with his signature sarcasm, highlighting their tendency to overthink while under fire.
As they finally settled on a more manageable team size—seven instead of the chaotic eight that had gotten them immediately overwhelmed—a new topic emerged from the depths of their collective consciousness.
“They offer impressive health benefits,” Jersh began, “but I’m uneasy about the mandatory colonoscopy every…”
“They do have good health coverage, but I dislike that a colonoscopy is required regularly,” DickNixon finished for him.
“That coverage seems great, except for the routine colonoscopies,” Lil Baggins added, making it sound like the most natural complaint for a space dwarf to have.
“Just checking for rocks and stones,” Jeralgrin offered, landing a perfect Deep Rock Galactic punchline to an increasingly bizarre conversation.
“I think it’s so funny that they call getting a throat exam and a colonoscopy a spit roast,” Grizzlenizzle noted, somehow bringing the conversation back full circle to mining terminology.
“Two, three, four, five, six, seven. Okay. I’ll try again,” Chazx announced, his voice finally decisive as he initiated their next descent. “Yes, I’m with you,” Jersh confirmed, ready to face whatever horrors awaited them in the caves below.
As the loading screen appeared, the dwarven space miners braced themselves—not just for the alien creatures and environmental hazards of Hoxxes IV, but for the certain chaos that would come when seven friends attempted to coordinate their mining efforts through a haze of friendly fire and questionable tactics. The caves waited, rich with minerals and danger, and the team was ready—mostly.
To be continued…
Chapter 5: Egg Hunt - Perilous Collection & Teamwork
The heavy boots of the dwarf miners thudded against the unfamiliar rock of Hoxxes IV, a stark contrast to the sterile metal of the Drop Pod. The mission briefing had been simple enough: collect Magma Sacs from the volatile caverns. Simple rarely equaled safe in Deep Rock Galactic, and as Jersh adjusted his weapon, tension already crackled in the air.
“Is it active?” Grizzlenizzle’s voice cut through the silence, pragmatic and direct. “Friendly fire damage scales with difficulty.”
Jersh chuckled nervously. “It’s amusing they call a throat decam and colonoscopy a ‘spit roast.’” He paused, then added, “Don’t shoot each other – that’s the rule.” He gestured ahead. “That’s a hole. Uh-oh.”
Down in the darkness, a pool of molten rock churned like the belly of a sleeping beast. Before anyone could warn him, Jersh misstepped and tumbled into the abyss.
“I’m down,” he announced flatly, the respawn light already flickering around him. “Took a tumble.”
Mitchapalooza scrambled back from the lava’s edge, his voice tight with panic. “There’s so many boys! How about this? Maybe we can’t do this difficulty?”
“Guys, I think there might be too many boys,” DickNixon echoed, firing his flamethrower erratically towards a cluster of skulks drawn to the commotion. The flames washed harmlessly over the rock but singed the legs of a teammate stumbling nearby. “Friendly fire,” Jersh yelped, hopping away. “Oh, that’s a hole. Uh-oh.”
“Hold position for now,” Mitchapalooza urged, frantically reloading while swatting at a bug climbing his boots. “To be honest, I’m only level three.”
Lil Baggins, his voice laced with determination despite his exasperation, aimed his heavy machine gun at the encroaching swarm. “We need that perk! Disperse! Deploy your shield, gunner!” He turned to Grizzlenizzle. “Gerald, if you’re running a gunner build, you have a deployable shield.”
“Don’t worry, boys – I’m coming!” Grizzlenizzle roared, pushing through the enemy line. He slammed his shield onto the ground near the fallen dwarves, creating a shimmering barrier against the tide of skulks and husks.
“Get up! Get up! Get up!” Char screamed, firing his pistol over the shield’s protection, each shot finding its mark with desperation. The shield held, a bulwark of energy in the chaotic darkness.
As the immediate swarm thinned, they regrouped near the shield’s edge to catch their breath and assess damage. The cave felt hotter now, thick with burnt chitin and ozone.
“Alright, let’s find those eggs,” Lil Baggins declared, scanning the rocky passage beyond the shield’s protection. “Legs and eggs – let’s move.” He gestured with his drill arm. “I’ve carved a small passage for us.”
DaKevinbacon nodded, his helmet HUD flickering. “Coming, Josh. We’re stable.” He held up Nitra crystals. “Need any Nitra?”
“We have plenty,” DickNixon confirmed, his helmet light sweeping the cavern. “Got a good supply right here.” He tapped his wrist console. “There’s one nearby,” he said, pointing towards a shimmering outline on his HUD.
“Where’s Molly?” Jersh asked, peering into the gloom.
“C,” Grizzlenizzle stated. “X, I think.” He paused, then corrected himself. “C.”
Lil Baggins cursed under his breath. “I was trying to ping with the middle mouse button, but it’s bound to my grenade throw! Sorry.” A distant explosion echoed through the tunnels.
Jersh groaned. “I tried pinging with the middle mouse earlier too… Oh, thank goodness. I didn’t realize that was possible.” He tapped his visor, activating the team marker. “It shows our positions.”
“And marks egg locations,” DaKevinbacon added, his HUD highlighting several objectives further down the tunnel. “It also displays egg positions.”
The discovery renewed their focus. They moved deeper, the cave walls pulsing with heat. A geyser erupted ahead, sending a column of superheated water skyward.
“Geyser incoming!” Jeralgrin yelled, diving for cover as water shot from a fissure in the floor.
“Oh, God, I’m getting drenched in acid!” Chazx gasped, stumbling as droplets splashed his armor. He scrambled backwards, firing wildly at bugs drawn by the commotion.
“Cover me!” Lil Baggins shouted, pulling out a scanner and fumbling with its interface. “Hang on! I have to play a minigame… I failed!” Another grenade pinged harmlessly off the wall beside him.
“Pour some red sugar on me,” Jersh muttered, frantically healing while firing into the swarm clustering around the geyser vent. The cave felt actively hostile, teeming with life.
Grizzlenizzle’s shield flickered and died under the onslaught. “Hold fast, team!” he bellowed, deploying a second barrier. “Over here! Swappy bird!”
Through the chaos, they spotted it – a pulsating Magma Sac nestled near the geyser’s edge.
“Found one! Oh, no!” DaKevinbacon yelled, making a dash for the egg. “Almost there! Egg secured.”
The moment he grabbed it, the cave erupted. A massive silhouette emerged from the sulfurous clouds beyond the geyser – an Elite Mactera.
“Oh, shit!” Mitchapalooza yelped, scrambling backwards. “Big boy. Big boy!”
“Tank it!” DickNixon roared, planting himself and unleashing a torrent of fire from his minigun to draw its attention. “I’m holding its aggro!”
“Chaos!” Jersh cried, firing his pistol at the smaller creatures swarming the Elite’s legs. “This is chaos!”
“Get up! Get up! Get up!” Char yelled, reviving a fallen teammate while dodging acid spit.
“Right, so these are active,” Mitchapalooza called out over the comms, his voice strained. “There’s one more further down this path!”
As the Elite Mactera reared back to unleash a devastating spit attack, a new sound cut through the chaos – the distinctive thrum of dropship engines. A beam of light descended from the cavern ceiling, illuminating them and their cargo.
“Molly!” Lil Baggins yelled, relief warring with urgency. “Extraction point C!”
There she was, the massive dropship lowering her ramp just as the Elite lunged. They scrambled aboard, firing parting shots at the enraged creature. The ramp began to lift, sealing them in relative safety as the Mactera’s furious roar echoed from below.
“Pour some red sugar on me,” Jersh repeated, slumping against the bulkhead, helmet fogged with relieved breath. “Rock and Stone – that was a close one.”
Mitchapalooza nodded weakly, clutching the Magma Sac he’d recovered. “Yeah, good run! Maybe next time we stick to easier tunnels?” The ship lurched upwards, breaking free from the planet’s gravity well. The mission was done. Mostly. But Hoxxes IV always held more eggs, more chaos, and more surprises in the dark depths. To be continued…
Chapter 6: Cave-In Chaos - Exploration & Survival
The cave entrance collapsed behind them with a thunderous roar that shook the very foundations of Hoxxes IV. Dust motes danced in the shafts of helmet light as the team of dwarven miners found themselves in unfamiliar territory, already disoriented before their mission truly began.
“Where they at?” Chazx called out, his voice echoing off the cavern walls as he swept his mining pick across the darkness.
Jersh’s response came out as a nervous whisper: “Uh-oh.”
Before anyone could answer, the ground trembled again. Rocks cascaded down from above, burying one of their team members under a fresh avalanche of debris.
“Well, that was fortunate,” DickNixon remarked, though the sarcasm was lost in the chaos. “Trey, what… Oh, you’re buried in the…”
“Rocket boots are here,” Lil Baggins declared, already fumbling with his equipment. “How?”
Grizzlenizzle mirrored his concern as he patted his own jet pack. “Rocket boots are functional.”
The M.U.L.E. had deposited them at the edge of an expansive cavern system that stretched out before them like the dark maw of some great beast. Their primary objective was clear: locate Nitro canisters to power their equipment, secure valuable Magma Sacs, and survive whatever hostile environment—or friendly fire—awaited them.
“Everyone equip rocket boots,” Lil Baggins instructed, though his suggestion was immediately undercut by another cave-in that sent dwarf and rock alike tumbling into darkness. “Uh-oh.”
As they regrouped, the true nature of their predicament became apparent. The cave system wasn’t just unfamiliar; it actively seemed to be working against them. Nitro canisters glinted precariously on distant ledges, taunting the dwarves with both opportunity and peril.
“Did we secure that nitro up there?” Chazx asked, already scanning the treacherous terrain with his helmet light.
“Grab that nitro from up there,” Jersh added, his voice filled with determination despite their situation.
The rocket boots that seemed like a godsend when they first landed were quickly proving to be a mixed blessing. Lil Baggins zipped across a chasm with triumphant flair: “Rocket boots are so sick!” But the sentiment wasn’t shared by all.
“My rocket boots are stuck,” Grizzlenizzle groaned, his boots sparking uselessly against the cave wall as he attempted to ascend a vertical shaft.
“Oh, great. Oh, hell,” Chazx muttered as his own rocket boots malfunctioned, sending him spiraling into an unseen crevice before he managed to activate his emergency grapple.
The team eventually secured their Nitro canisters, but the victory was short-lived. As they attempted to establish a forward base, the cave erupted in a cacophony of chittering alien shrieks. A swarm of small, skittering bugs poured from fissures in the rock, their many legs clicking in unison as they descended upon the dwarves.
“Swarm!” Chazx shouted, already unloading his primary weapon into the approaching tide.
“Damn it,” BigDog responded, his weapon spitting fire into the darkness as the creatures swarmed his position.
“Molly!” DaKevinbacon cried out, his voice raw with panic as he went down under the weight of too many hostile contacts.
The emergency revival process began immediately, though it proved almost as hazardous as the enemy itself. “Begin revival,” Grizzlenizzle commanded as he fought through the swarm toward his fallen comrades.
“It was a stalker,” Lil Baggins identified the creature that had claimed one of their team. “Alright, move to support the revive.”
Jersh watched from his zipline vantage point, feeling utterly helpless. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” he confessed, though his hands remained steady on his mining pick. “I’m basically just a camera. Shit.”
“That’s quite a drop,” DickNixon observed from above, his voice lacking the urgency the situation demanded.
Fall damage had become a constant threat throughout the mission. “Fall damage is a bitch,” DaKevinbacon confirmed after yet another misjudged rocket boot jump sent him plummeting to the cavern floor.
As they continued their desperate search for Magma Sacs, the environment itself seemed to conspire against them. Lava pools bubbled menacingly in the darkness, geysers of steam erupted unpredictably, and the cave floor shifted beneath their boots with unnerving frequency.
“Oh, look—lava,” DickNixon remarked with the clinical detachment of someone who’d already accepted his fate multiple times.
The team attempted to establish some semblance of order, calling in supply drops and attempting to map their progress, but the chaos proved relentless. “Is everyone alright?” Chazx asked, though he already knew the answer.
“The egg is that way,” DaKevinbacon reported, his voice strained as he fought off yet another swarm. “Near my corpse.”
As the mission timer ticked down, the team finally encountered their greatest challenge yet: a towering Elite Mactera that blocked their path to the remaining eggs. Its armored carapace reflected their helmet lights like some malevolent disco ball.
“It’s just waiting,” Jersh observed, his voice barely a whisper as they all stared at the massive creature.
“He’s just biding his time,” Chazx echoed, his rifle aimed but steady.
“There’s still a large enemy over here,” DaKevinbacon reminded them, though his attention remained locked on the primary threat.
“Call Molly,” Lil Baggins commanded, his voice cutting through the tension like a pickaxe through rock. “Now!”
The dwarves scrambled to prepare for extraction, their previous struggles with navigation, equipment, and friendly fire momentarily forgotten in the face of this overwhelming adversary. “Absolute chaos,” DickNixon muttered, his assessment serving as both observation and prophecy for their entire mission on Hoxxes IV.
As the extraction beam pierced the darkness, casting everything in an eerie blue glow, the team knew their ordeal wasn’t over. Hoxxes IV always held more eggs, more chaos, and more opportunities to prove their worth—or their incompetence—as space miners.
To be continued…
Chapter 7: Bloom & Doom
The drop pod slammed into the cavern floor, ejecting the team of dwarves into a world of shadows and potential riches. As the dust settled, the familiar blue glow of Hoxxes IV’s flora cast an eerie light across the rock face. “Call Molly,” Jersh said, already scanning the ceiling for threats. “Right with you,” BigDog agreed, his miner’s helmet casting a warm beam through the darkness.
DaKevinbacon chimed in, “Let’s signal Molly for resupply,” pointing to a relatively safe-looking ledge. The team quickly established a perimeter, weapons at the ready. “Not bad,” DickNixon muttered, spotting their first objective. “We need to collect those blooms,” DaKevinbacon realized, his eyes scanning the cave walls.
Lil Baggins knelt to examine a health pickup, “There’s some health here,” before gesturing toward the mission objective. “Let’s utilize our flares,” DickNixon suggested, his voice calm despite the growing swarm of alien creatures emerging from the crevices. The team fanned out, their movements practiced yet still finding their rhythm in this hostile environment.
As they gathered the glowing flora, coordination remained elusive. “I think we should consider extraction,” Jersh called out, his jet boots sputtering as he attempted to reach a particularly high bloom. “My jets are failing,” he grumbled, before suddenly stumbling backward. “Whoa!” he exclaimed, his boots giving way entirely.
“Let’s use our nitra,” Lil Baggins commanded, already tossing a canister toward the approaching swarm. The explosion illuminated the cavern briefly, revealing dozens of hostile eyes reflecting in the darkness. “Five more to go,” DaKevinbacon said, his mining laser carving a path through the smaller creatures blocking their route.
The mission took a chaotic turn when one of the drillers disappeared from sight mid-fall. “Oh, no!” Jersh cried out as he plummeted toward a pool of lava below. Chazx gasped, “He’s gone invisible.” DaKevinbacon echoed the alarm, “He’s cloaked!” Panic momentarily gripped the team as they scrambled to locate their fallen comrade amidst the lava and shadow.
“Get back here!” Mitchapalooza shouted, firing wildly into the darkness where the driller had vanished. “Ouch, ouch, ouch,” came a disembodied voice as the invisible dwarf somehow managed to climb out of the lava pit, his armor smoking from the heat. The team exchanged looks of confusion and relief, continuing their bloom collection with newfound urgency.
“We need a defensible position,” DickNixon declared, surveying the cave walls. “I think the drillers should carve a bunker into the cliff face.” Lil Baggins nodded in agreement, “With the drillers’ skills, creating a bunker in the cliff is our best bet.” The team rallied around their drillers, who began carving a protective sanctuary into the rock face.
“Can everyone take cover inside?” Lil Baggins asked, already planning the layout. “Dig it out,” DickNixon instructed. “And then create a tunnel at the back.” As the drillers worked, their mining tools created a rhythmic percussion against the stone, the rest of the team laid down suppressing fire. “Make that tunnel deep and wide,” DickNixon called out, supervising construction.
Just as the bunker neared completion, an alarm sounded through the team’s comms. “Elite incoming!” DaKevinbacon shouted, spotting a massive creature advancing on their position. “That C4 will take it down,” Lil Baggins warned, eyes wide as he spotted the explosives planted earlier. “Deploy it over there,” Chazx directed, already positioning himself for the throw.
The team froze for a moment, caught between their defensive position and the incoming threat. “Don’t detonate that C4 yet,” Lil Baggins repeated, his voice tense with urgency. As the Elite creature closed in, Chazx made his move, detonating the explosive at the perfect moment. The explosion sent chunks of rock and alien flesh flying, creating a brief respite in the onslaught.
With their bunker complete, the team prepared for the final wave. “Everyone to the bunker!” Grizzlenizzle instructed, his shield projector already humming to life. “Something large is approaching,” he warned, his voice low with concern. The dwarves huddled together in their carved sanctuary, weapons pointing outward as the sound of skittering claws echoed through the cavern.
“Here it comes,” Grizzlenizzle announced, his shield flaring as the first enemies reached their position. The bunker’s entrance became a chaotic bottleneck, dwarves firing wildly into the horde. “Keep digging, bro!” Lil Baggins yelled to the drillers who were still expanding their defensive position. “We’ll hold the line,” Jersh added, his autocannon spitting hot lead into the darkness.
The battle reached its climax as the extraction timer began counting down. “To the ship!” Chazx shouted, already sprinting toward the drop ship’s location. “Brace for impact!” Jersh yelled, referencing the rough landing they’d endured on previous missions. The team scrambled through the cave system, pursued by a relentless swarm of enemies.
“Hurry!” DickNixon urged, waving his teammates forward as the drop ship’s ramp lowered. One by one, the dwarves made their escape, some requiring assistance after near-fatal encounters with lava and fauna. “One more to go!” Lil Baggins counted, extending a hand to the final straggler. With everyone accounted for, the ship lifted off just as the horde reached the landing zone.
“That was intense,” Grizzlenizzle breathed, leaning against the ship’s bulkhead as they ascended into the atmosphere. “Well, that was a proper difficulty,” DickNixon agreed, already assessing their success. “We nailed it,” Mitchapalooza added, a grin spreading across his face.
“Pizza’s on me,” DickNixon suggested, his mind already moving to post-mission activities. “Have you been experimenting with the heavy autocannon?” Lil Baggins asked, changing the subject to equipment upgrades. “I need the top two mods from you,” DickNixon replied, already discussing build optimization for their next expedition.
As the ship carried them away from Hoxxes IV, the dwarves celebrated their hard-won victory. “Good teamwork all around,” Jersh noted, clapping a comrade on the shoulder. The mission had been chaotic, dangerous, and ultimately successful—a perfect summary of their adventuring career in the Deep Rock Galactic.
To be continued…
Chapter 8: Ramblings & Rock and Stone - A Tangential Descent
The cave system of Hoxxes IV pulsed around them like a living thing, the rhythmic drip-drip-drip of acidic water echoing in the silence between explosions. Grizzlenizzle’s heavy mining drill carved fresh tunnels through the rock face, sending cascades of glittering minerals raining down. “Blasted it. Max power, as requested,” he grunted, the drill’s thrumming vibrating through the soles of his boots.
Jeralgrin, ever enthusiastic, pumped his shotgun in the air. “Turn it up!” he bellowed, his voice bouncing off the cavern walls.
“Freedom! Yeah!” Chazx added, firing his pistol into a cluster of charging Glyphids, their carapaces exploding in a shower of ichor. The familiar Rock and Stone, to the Bone battle cry hung in the air, though this time it was subdued, lost in the haze of a conversation that had drifted galaxies away from mining.
Back at the surface—or what felt like it, given their rambling tangents—Char was pontificating on the merits of dairy science. “That’s why their skim milk tastes better; they remove water to maintain a consistent ratio of lipids and solids.” He wiped sweat from his brow, oblivious to the lava geysers erupting near his boots.
DickNixon nodded, then paused mid-reload. “Crest is also popular,” he muttered, peering at a toothpaste ad flickering on his helmet’s HUD. Mitchapalooza snorted. “Crest has its flaws,” he corrected, though whether he was referring to toothpaste or their current survival strategy remained unclear.
The chatter swirled, a whirlpool of nonsense and near-death experiences. Chazx suddenly pointed toward a distant cave entrance visible through the mist. “It’s a Moiseo’s feast,” he declared. “The one where they imprint Trump’s image on the bun.”
Char leaned in, mesmerized. “The one where they apply the Trump design to the bun and then sell it,” he added, his tone conspiratorial. DaKevinbacon squinted. “Are they actually burning Trump’s image onto the bread?”
Outside the game’s window—somehow, they’d tabbed out—a real-world commotion caught their eye. Char’s voice crackled with disbelief. “You won’t believe this, there’s a line of motorcycles outside, are you serious?”
DickNixon spun in his chair. “There’s a motorcycle procession passing by.” Chazx leaned closer to his monitor. “A line of bikes is visible on the street.” BigDog sighed. “I suppose so.”
Back in the caves, Mitchapalooza yelped as a Glyphid leaped from the shadows. “Someone cover me!” he shouted, scrambling backward. Grizzlenizzle obliged, drilling the creature point-blank. The explosion sent rock and chitin flying, and Jeralgrin howled with triumph. “Yeah!”
“Turn it up! Louder!” Chazx echoed, pumping his fist. “Freedom! Yeah!” The team’s comms crackled with overlapping cheers and the distant thump-thump-thump of extraction pods arriving. But the moment was fleeting; Harley Davidson had entered the conversation.
“I doubt Harley Davidson will be around in two decades,” Jeralgrin mused, reloading with practiced ease. Mitchapalooza nodded vigorously. “Oh, really? Yeah. Their initial national marketing seemed effective, but it’s fortunate they’ve moved on.”
BigDog chuckled. “That’s a funny observation.” Mitchapalooza leaned into his mic, his voice dropping. “She mentioned everyone she works with seems to be middle-aged or older white men.”
Jeralgrin sighed. “They’re hopelessly behind the times,” he muttered, firing into a swarm. “No, we need to…we need to…” His voice trailed off as a cave-in sealed a tunnel behind them.
“Good roll, good roll, good roll,” BigDog chanted, managing to find humor in the situation. Mitchapalooza groaned. “Oh, yeah. That’s right.”
Chazx’s voice cut through the static. “Hello? Anyone there?” Silence answered, save for the hum of their suits and the distant roar of more Glyphids. The caverns pressed in, dark and endless, but their laughter was louder than any threat.
Rock and Stone, to the Bone, they’d whispered, and though their conversation had spiraled from toothpaste to corporate failures, the bond between these dwarven miners held fast. The mission wasn’t over—Hoxxes IV still had miles of unexplored veins and unspeakable horrors—but for now, they had each other. And that, in the deepest, darkest caves of the universe, was the only treasure that mattered.